I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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