I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
