So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
