Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
