i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
