Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
