the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
