we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How external is "for external use only"?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
