I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize