dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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