Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
