i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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