My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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