On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
