She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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