Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Randomize
