i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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