I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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