Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I want to be your penis for a week.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm both gender and math confused
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize