At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
