Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
