Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
