Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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