I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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