thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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