why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
