This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
