I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
