I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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