i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
