yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize