ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
