Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
