You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
