I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
