I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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