he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
