this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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