i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize