i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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