The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
