Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
