She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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