my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
