got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
