oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
