he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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