I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
