WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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