I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
