Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
