i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
