my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize