Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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