hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
