i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
