Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
