I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
