She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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