four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
