I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
