You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
