Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
