You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
