Whatcha textin bout Willis?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I love you.
Bad choice
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
