he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
