Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
